| Healthy agreements with trustworthy people can enhance your productivity and your enjoyment of life. And “keeping your word” is part of acting with honesty and integrity and being true to your best self as well as your friends. But do you sometimes feel trapped by past promises and commitments? Do you suffer from guilt because you’ve made agreements that you couldn’t keep?Whether you agree to a one-time appointment or to a long-term contract, as a conscientious person you want to honor the agreements you make with others, but sometimes a situation arises in which an agreement you made is no longer the wisest course. Let’s consider three examples:
Example One: Suppose you promise to go to the movies tonight with a dear friend. Then suppose another dear friend from out of town calls that she’s in town just for tonight and could she treat you to dinner and stay overnight?
- Are you obligated to keep your movie date with your first dear friend? Must you say “no” to your out-of-town friend because you made a previous agreement? Or do you have the right to change your mind when you learn of your long-distance friend’s visit?
- Friends want the best for each other. Is it realistic to expect your local friend to understand your new situation and reschedule? Or is your local friend justified in trying to hold you to your movie date by saying, “But we agreed!”
Example Two: Suppose you are in a good financial position and you want to celebrate a wonderful friendship. As an expression of your appreciation, you say, “This coming summer I’m going to treat you to a cruise!” However, as summer approaches you find yourself financially strapped due to an unforeseen event.
- Are you obligated to follow through with your offer to treat your friend to a cruise?
- Friends are benevolent toward each other and focus on the tribute rather than the “treat.” Is your friend justified in trying to hold you to your offer by ignoring your new financial situation and saying, “But you promised!”?
Example Three: Suppose you said your wedding vows ten years ago. What if you and your spouse have grown in different directions and have fallen out of love? Or what if your spouse abuses you or refuses to take his share of the family responsibilities?
- Do you have a right to change your mind about your commitment to him? Or are you obligated to stay together because of the commitment you made to each other ten years ago?
- People who love each other want the best for each other. Is your spouse justified in ignoring the changed situation and trying to bind you by saying, “But you made a commitment to me!”?
In each example, here’s what happens:
1. You make an agreement with another party in good conscience, based on your best understanding and your life situation at the time.
2. Then the conditions under which you made the agreement change. Your publisher goes out of business, your spouse is unfaithful, or you learn of a new opportunity. When your understanding and your life situation changes, your agreement may no longer be the wisest course of action for either party.
What do you do? Must you honor an agreement that becomes an obstacle to a “bigger picture” course of action? How can you honor your agreements and at the same time honor your life?
HERE’S HOW TO GET STARTED
First it helps to recognize two big facts when it comes to making agreements:
- BIG FACT ONE: Situations change. So you should expect to assess your agreements in the light of new information and circumstances.
- BIG FACT TWO: There is a universal agreement that supersedes all other agreements: each person has the right to direct his or her own life. In a civilized society, no other agreement takes precedence over this fundamental agreement.
These two facts are the foundational “setting” for all of our specific agreements.
Any agreement that does not take these two facts into consideration is not healthy for either party.
Under this big picture, no agreement can hold a person hostage. This means that we each have the right to enter AND exit agreements on a voluntary basis. However, because another person’s life is involved, agreements should include respectful procedures for entering and exiting them with the least amount of disruption to either party.
Some situations call for a lightning-fast decision to be made on the spot, while other situations allow time for more thorough deliberation. The more understanding you have about the nature of agreements up front, the more you will be able to maintain good relationships and make agreement changes with understanding and good will. When my husband and I go to a gathering (party, conference or flea market) we often make an agreement up front to each follow our own individual interests while in that situation. Afterwards we have great fun sharing our new friends, connections or treasures with each other!
While an unreasonable person might try to hold you to an agreement regardless of a change in awareness or circumstances, a reasonable person recognizes that new knowledge or circumstances can call for actions that are different from the previously agreed-upon action.
How can you tell if an agreement is healthy or not? Here are some pointers:
1. A healthy agreement is a two-way understanding for the mutual benefit of both parties. Neither party should take a loss; both parties should make a gain. Never enter into an agreement just to “please” another person.
2. A healthy agreement is made between two trustworthy people. Never enter into an agreement with a person who is not honest or dependable.
3. A healthy agreement allows for either party to make adjustments when a situation arises that calls for a different course of action – or to terminate participation in the agreement when the agreement no longer enhances his or her life.
4. Avoid making an agreement without considering your situation, values, interests, goals and preferences for your life. An agreement “made in a vacuum” is unhealthy, painful, and almost always impossible to keep.
5. Avoid making an agreement “set in stone.” You are continually learning new things and you live in a changing environment. An agreement that does not take change into account cripples your life.
6. Avoid making shortsighted agreements. Since you must live your life long-range, you will want to make your agreements in the light of your best understanding of the big picture of your life.
7. If either party has a change in the bigger picture of his life, you should honor both yourself and each other by reassessing the value of the agreement and arriving at a decision to continue, to modify, or to terminate your agreement.
Remember that the REASON you make agreements is to enable you to enhance your productivity and your enjoyment of your life. An agreement that detracts from either party’s productivity or enjoyment is an unhealthy agreement. And, while it is a good thing to honor yourself and other people by keeping healthy agreements, it does both parties a disservice to “honor” unhealthy agreements.
Once you understand the difference between a healthy agreement and an unhealthy agreement, you can take the guilt out of your relationships by making only agreements that allow both parties to enhance each other’s lives while still retaining the freedom to adapt to change and maintain control of your individual directions in life.
I hope this helps you make healthier agreements for happier relationships – so you can love living your life!
I’d love to hear how these steps work for you — feel free to email me at Terry@YourRecipeForLivingCoach.com, or post a comment on my Break Free Blog at www.YourRecipeForLivingCoach.com. Please know that you are welcome to share this BREAK FREE TIP by forwarding this message to a friend or colleague. |
